Happy Birthday

It was my birthday a couple of days ago. As always I look forward to becoming a year older.

However, as I am definitely too old to go on a Club 18-30 holiday, it has resulted in family and close acquaintances passing comment on the use by date of my womb, etc.

Take for example a conversation I had with a male friend, who also happens to be going out with one of my closest friends/ cousins on the eve of my birthday.

It went along the lines of this:

“Akua, you realise you’re not getting any younger?”

“I know, I’m gonna be 31.”

“So I take it you’re gonna have a baby by your next birthday”

“I don’t have a man”

“Well you’ve got until September to find a man to get pregnagt with.  I mean aren’t you getting broody.”

Now when did this type of conversation become the norm in polite society. I spent my late teens being held up as an example to those whose children had had babies soon after their GCSEs.

My early 20s were all about university and the rest of my 20s were devoted to finding myself and establishing a career.  All the time ensuring that I made my parents proud.

Now I’m 31, and it seems that the past 11 years or so count for nothing. As supposedly a woman’s role in society is to get educated, have a career and then push out babies as a way of ensuring that she is keeping up with the Joneses.

This is not to say that I don’t want a family of my own.  Relatively speaking I’m sure its easy to get pregnant with any Tom, Dick or Harry.  However, I’d like to think that I will give any child of mine a chance of havinf a decent father.

Some may be of the opinion that the sole basis of my recent choices of men to date has been the sizzle factor.  However, I would think that the choice of father/ life partner/ husband should have more of a sound basis. For instance common values, honesty, trustworthiness and a sense of responsibility.

I do not want to end up as another statistic – a baby mother with a wasteman for a babydaddy.

To all concerned friends and families of women like me who have tried to be good throughout their formative years, and as a result don’t have kids…

Please don’t pass judgement. There could be a number of reasons for this, but it does not mean that we are fighting not to have kids.

Please don’t ask me why I don’t have kids.  This is a very personal question and you’ll be met by one of the following responses:

1. Still got time, that 66 year old woman is giving me hope
2. I’m not gonna have kids, I’m gonna have 20 cats

Don’t look at us with sympathy.  I know I’m cool with my current situation.

Busted

Peter has had to be dumped into the bin. However unlike other guys he will be going straight to the incinerator as I can’t allow myself to even contemplate visiting the cess pit that he has come to reside. You may be wondering why I have confined him to such a fate. The reason for this is that he attempted to commit as cardinal sin and got found out. He tried to get with one of my best friends.

It wouldn’t have been so bad but his excuses were that:

1. I didn’t know she was your friend. He must have amnesia as I introduced them to each other.
2. How did I come up in conversation. You have to remember that Peter wanted it to be kept on the downlow (as R Kelly has so sweetly sung about).
3. It’s only food. Can’t I eat. (This is not a euphemism for something else…he had invited her out for breakfast
4. I know you are seeing other guys. I did not dispute this but none of these guys are his friends and I had not hidden the fact I was dating other people from him.

Now I have to ask was I out of order for telling him that we were through? He seemed truly surprised and has asked me on numerous occasions since he was caught whether e could hook up. I swear I must have been called fool at birth if he thinks I’ll go there again.

On confronting my friend who had been talking to him, I said she’s welcome to him. She told me he doesn’t want my left overs and has proceeded to take a break from our friendship.

He’s still trying to redeem himself but it is truly finished.

Postscript

A cousin of mine asked me if th only reason I was upset was because I liked him more than I thought.  The truth is that I can’t answer that question as I was fully aware of his flaws, but we had got to know each other quite well.  Or as well as you can know a person you’ve been seeing for a three or so months. Was it because it felt like rejection again  as well as being made to feel like an idiot.  Well I guess I’ll never know…It was fun whilst it lasted.

To reuse, recycle or discard for good (2) – Digging in the bin.

I promised I would return to the issue of digging in the bin, and the merits of doing this.

Many of the discarded men have attempted to get back into my life. One of my good friends thinks that I am on a path to self destruction as I am talking to people that I decided were no good for me.

The current contents of the bin that are hoping to be reused are, in no particular order:

• “The One from my Ends” aka “Trouble” with a capital T. Even during my relationship he was a constant presence. Some would say like a bad smell. I was convinced we had got into the friend zone but I was mistaken. I have thought long and hard about why it didn’t work out between the two of us the first time around, and I realised that despite the obvious sizzle/ chemistry there is an obvious flaw to any plan… I swear he is a major fantasist. Booty calls with the premise that he is going away for a while. As can be seen there is no reason to revisit this. Drama would be the result.  Despite being sexy as hell it could be argued that he is an archetypical wasteman as the list of issues are too long to mention.  Result: Discard.
• “The Original FB”.  An FB for those that aren’t aware is a guy who seems content with a no strings relationship.  My FB is a guy I’ve known for years.  He was originally the rebound guy following the break up of a previous relationship.  He helped me through it, and is a great shoulder to lean on.  However, as some might say I can’t get it twisted – he is a major commitment phobe.  In all the years I’ve known him he has never had a serious girlfriend, just a series of links.  This is why he is in the bin.  Result: Reuse with potential for recycling.

I’m sure  more may resurface, they always do.  Just can’t think of them at the moment.

To reuse, recycle or discard for good

My friends and I have a phrase for reacquainting oneself with a previously discarded conquest. This activity is collectively known as “digging in the bin”, as there was a reason why a relationship didn’t work out in the first place.

Digging in the bin should not be confused with the phenomenon of wastemen. Obviously any past relationships may have failed as a result of the other party displaying wasteman tendencies, but more than likely it just didn’t work out.

A wasteman has defined by one of my favourite Facebook groups is as follows:
1. 30 years old + but still living at home with mummy
2. Pretending his license has been revoked for 10 years, Hence NO CAR!
3. SCRUBS
4. Never gets the bill when eating out
5. Never takes you out!
6.Having More babies Than He Can Support.
7.Walking with a knife. (Should Be Number 1 really)

Another group defines this phenomenon as having the following characteristics:

1. Driving a brand new BMW M3 at 30 years old but still living at home with mummy
2. Being 20 years old and not in Uni college or work and neither is he trying to be
3. Being 20+ and still trying to be the number one MC on the back of the bus
4. When you been going out six months and the only place he has taken you out to eat is Burger King,
McDonalds, KFC, Dixies Chicken
5. Having numerous baby mothers, and his newest babies mother is one of his other babies mothers,
mother and he thinks that’s cool
6. Having a long story about why he don’t pay his child support, didn’t sign the babies birth certificate to avoid paying child support

I have been involved with guys that have for want of a better phrase been exposed to the syndrome, but have not got the full blown disease. Even now one of the guys I am seeing could potentially become a card carrying member of this infamous group, but this is another story.

Turning to the topic at hand, my singleton days have been peppered with my concern for the environment as I attempt to reuse or recycle previously discarded companions. The majority have been for the ego boost following my really bad break up on a kind of platonic tip. Obviously as we have had relations in the past my best friend would say that this is not platonic and can never be platonic in the future. However, as I tried to explain at the weekend to my girls previously revisited “companions”also provide me with the occasional fix that is needed as there is no reason for me to go cold turkey just because I am no longer in a long term relationship.

I had to explain the benefits of this habit that I thought I had grown out of at the turn of the Millennium, but I realised there is a method to my madness. I can maintain the image of waiting to see if I really check for any new prospects. In addition, guys can sense that your attentions aren’t necessarily devoted to them and they accordingly try to step up their game.

The downside to this type of activity is that after a few weeks of reacquainting yourself with someone previously discarded, the realisation of why they were dashed to kerb slowly returns. I swear I must suffer from amnesia as this has happened one too many times with a certain individual. He is the complete opposite of Mr A in the sense that I know if we got into something so deep that one of us could kill the other. Obviously not literally, but there is a lot of passion between me and for want of a better phrase “The One from My Ends”. He’s only a 10 minute drive away but his incessant booty calls can be quite infuriating, as a girl would like to sleep.

At least I have a temporary reprieve as he is away at the mo and it is giving me time to reflect on whether anything can be salvaged. If he is thrown away on his return I hope that I won’t succumb to his charm once again to repeat this cycle many years down the line.

The issue re wastemen will be returned to at a later date. In addition”ends” will also have to be looked at n more detail.