I have met many men who are hair fascists as they claim they would never go out with a woman if she wore a weave. However does what I perceive to be merely an example of self expression really maketh the person.

When I wore a weave, granted it was only four tracks, I got the same amount of attention from a variety of men. People of all races. Now I’m not saying its the hair as this happens to me whether I have my hair in braids, relaxed or in a weave. The universal factor is that I receive attention when I walk the streets with confidence. If I’m having a don’t mess with me day as i feel awful, why would anyone approach me. Furthermore if someone is going to make assumptions on me based on my hair then don’t need it.

Do I miss my ex? Yes most definitely despite the fact in reality he was rarely there when I went to bed. However, I’m not saying I want to get back with him as he took the piss out of me and I definitely deserve better. Don’t get me wrong I have had quasi relationships since then. However regardless of the inital feelings of euphoria an emptiness has remained where he once filled my mind, body and soul.

I am hoping that the next man to enter my life will really be the one, as I feel I have done my time on the singles market. I am tired of meeting fools, and more importantly entertaining them. I am tired of the drama and what it entails as I can not believe that I have been sentenced to a lofe of eternal BS with waste man after waste man. I have finally managed to identify these boys in mens’ clothing. Its about time as it has taken me too long to come to this revelation.

So wish me luck for this next chapter on my journey, as it really shouldn’t be that difficult to find someone who also wants to give me hugs and kisses in the morning.

L Plate

Apologies for the lul in my blogging. I cannot believe it is coming towards the end of the year. Hopefully next year’s blog entries will occur more frequently. However, in the meantime I need to put finger to keyboard and share some of my recent experiences from the latter part of 2009.

During the summer I dated a guy that caused me to do a few things for the first time.

Firstly he is six years younger than me. To me this was not a major obstacle at first, as I have friends of all ages. However, as I spent more time with him it became obvious that we wanted different things from our realtionship. He was definitely in it for the experience (this will be returned to later). Whilst I want commitment etc etc as I think there is only so much no-strings fun a person can have before it becomes boring. In addition, I had also assessed other aspects of my life that I needed to get into order (work, finances and hopefully moving up the next rung on the property ladder), and felt that the next man in my life needed to be supportive whilst I sought to achieve these aspirations.

Secondly he was that he was the first non-black guy I’ve contemplated going on a date with and actually followed through. This for me was a bigger mind leap. Despite going to a school where I was related to the majority of the black people in my school (my sisters), I had never dated anybody non-black. This was not to say that I had never been attracted to men that weren’t but I had always seen myself as one half of a black relationship. I had been involved in relationships with people from West Indian as well as other African backgrounds and had experienced a variety of problems as a result of cultural differences. However, despite this I had always felt that we had a shared experience as first or second generation Black British.

I did not let this get in the way however of what was an undeniable instant attraction between the two of us. There was a sizzle, which is why I ignored any misgivings about his age or race. I felt comfortable in his company for the most part. He made me laugh. He was ambitious and on paper he was perfect.

Going out on dates with my exotic toy boy made me realise that men, whatever the complexion, are pretty much the same. They all have the same expectations after you have been on a few dates. The lyrics used, as well as the games they play seem to be part of the DNA that separates the XX from the XY.

So why didn’t it work out for the two of us? I realised that despite being

Ultimately, as per usual perfect on paper did not mean he was right for me. He turned out to be immature. As I generally go out with men older than me, the mental leap of having to deal with someone I considered to be an overgrown teenager. The experience also made me realise that the blueprint I had drafted had to be altered as what I had been looking for in a man previously had not been necessarily right for me. It also made me question whether there was really such thing as a Mr Right as each time I met the person I thought could be the one he seemed to disappoint me in some way.

However, as I am definitely too old to go on a Club 18-30 holiday, it has resulted in family and close acquaintances passing comment on the use by date of my womb, etc.

Take for example a conversation I had with a male friend, who also happens to be going out with one of my closest friends/ cousins on the eve of my birthday.

It went along the lines of this:

“Akua, you realise you’re not getting any younger?”

“I know, I’m gonna be 31.”

“So I take it you’re gonna have a baby by your next birthday”

“I don’t have a man”

“Well you’ve got until September to find a man to get pregnagt with.  I mean aren’t you getting broody.”

Now when did this type of conversation become the norm in polite society. I spent my late teens being held up as an example to those whose children had had babies soon after their GCSEs.

My early 20s were all about university and the rest of my 20s were devoted to finding myself and establishing a career.  All the time ensuring that I made my parents proud.

Now I’m 31, and it seems that the past 11 years or so count for nothing. As supposedly a woman’s role in society is to get educated, have a career and then push out babies as a way of ensuring that she is keeping up with the Joneses.

This is not to say that I don’t want a family of my own.  Relatively speaking I’m sure its easy to get pregnant with any Tom, Dick or Harry.  However, I’d like to think that I will give any child of mine a chance of havinf a decent father.

Some may be of the opinion that the sole basis of my recent choices of men to date has been the sizzle factor.  However, I would think that the choice of father/ life partner/ husband should have more of a sound basis. For instance common values, honesty, trustworthiness and a sense of responsibility.

I do not want to end up as another statistic – a baby mother with a wasteman for a babydaddy.

To all concerned friends and families of women like me who have tried to be good throughout their formative years, and as a result don’t have kids…

Please don’t pass judgement. There could be a number of reasons for this, but it does not mean that we are fighting not to have kids.

Please don’t ask me why I don’t have kids.  This is a very personal question and you’ll be met by one of the following responses:

1. Still got time, that 66 year old woman is giving me hope
2. I’m not gonna have kids, I’m gonna have 20 cats

Don’t look at us with sympathy.  I know I’m cool with my current situation.

Obviously, I have been doing this but I have only told a couple of my friends, as I would not want people to have a bad impression of me.

For instance one of my sisters asked me why I have gone on dates with a variety of guys.  I had to clarify with her that when I’ve gone on dates it has purely been about meeting up , possibly for food, drink or some other activity, with the date ending ending with a kiss on the cheek at best. She didn’t seem to understand, so it got me thinking if I was to state each time I dated to my friends and family, they might become concerned.

Consequently, I have decided to maintain this blogging malarkey.  The only problem now is that  I need to maintain my unpadtes as there is a lot of dating material to get through.

Please let me know if you want me to continue.

I hope I will be able to tell you all about my shenanigans, but I will obviously start from where my last post ended.

I started seeing Music Man in October.  As per usual it just happened, as I had known him for years after falling in lust at first sight with him and one of his friends over 10 years ago, when they were performing poetry at a university event.

In fact, it had kind of been a long standing joke that Music Man liked me, and that he would one day get a piece of the action.  However, nothing had come off this attraction as either one of us had always been unattainable.

So what changed? He asked me to come to watch him perform as he was now the lead singer of a band.  Seeing him on stage was amazing as he really owned it. I had gone to watch him with one of my friends, but I allowed them to leave me, as I hoped I would get dealt with that night.

Anyway to cut to the chase our friendship turned into something else that night and it was amazing.  In fact it felt completely right as our bodies seemed to be completely in synch.  Furthermore, we could talk for hours and he seemed to understand where I was at.

The following weeks were a haze as we continued to spend time together.  Meeting in 4* hotels in Paddington, Euston and Kings Cross and making trips to my flat out of London. Each time we met was just as amazing, so it may come as a surprise to know that we aren’t together anymore considering how perfect it seemed.

Music Man had some flaws, in fact the charismatic blase attitude that I had fallen for was also the thing that I knew would wind me up in the long run.

Facebook logo

Since becoming single I have become a Facebook addict, becoming a dab hand at using applications.  This is the reason why I thought I would talk about Facebook on this forum.

It dawned on me this weekend that I had been dating someone who I had indicated was attractive on the Sparkey/ Chainn app when his picture popped up, earlier this year.  Obviously as I have lots of things going on it didn’t dawn on me that the guy I had anonymously said yes to ‘Would date’ was actually sitting next to me when I first met him in the flesh.

In fact it was Pretty Man and as I have indicated previously the guy looks so delicious I could eat him.  Since we started hanging out,  we became friends on Facebook and its tempting to check his profile to see if there are any flirtations on his wall.  Especially as he is still not my man and I may seek to justify why his interest in me does not seem as keen as it was when we first met.

The main thing that stops me however is that any reader of my blog will know that Pretty Man is not the only guy I have been seeing so if he is anything like me, any flirtations with potential relationship contenders would not be taking place on the public wall.  This is not only because:

1. it is visible to all visitors to my page, and
2. potentially sent to all my friends in the news feeds.

Real flirtations for me take place via facebook chat/ MSN or offline on the ancient contraption called the phone. With the phone and IM you can see if someone has instant wit and charm, as well as whether they understand me.

As I have got this sense of perspective I hope I won’t turn into a bunny boler for Pretty Man or anyone else that I may meet…via Facebook or in the real world.

arrows

Apologies for the delay in getting back to this. My life has been pretty hectic. I’ve been on holiday, found a new job and had a couple of car accidents but as Rick Ross would say “here I am”.

My week on the other side of the pond in Hotlanta was a real eye opener to say the least. The stats were startling, the female to male ratio is allegedly 4:1 which means that it is seriously a Dog Eat Dog world. From what I could gather men seemed to expect women to do the chasing which is still quite alien to me.

This is not to say that I was not approached, but the manner in which this was done was completely different to London. This could be down to good old Southern Hospitality. Another thing I found interesting was that on telling a guy that you’re not interested they backed off without taking offence.

Alongside meeting a new set of people who were on the whole very progressive, the time away gave me time to reflect on my life back home. Whilst in a relationship I had moved out to a commuter town not too far from London in some respects, whilst in other ways it might as well have been another time zone. Atlanta showed me that there really is life outside the M25 and has also opened me up to the possibility of relocating to another major city.

Any way we’ll see what happens

All I really want
is to be happy
And to find a love that’s mine
It would be so sweet

The reason why this springs to mind is that since I reentered the singles market I have kept myself really busy by having several dates a week with several people. On the whole they have been fun as I may, or may not be, as is often the case close to the centre of attention. However, when I have to spend any length of time by myself I start to panic and realise that I’m not completely happy with the current hand that life has dealt me.

Will my dating result in finding that Special Someone who’s all mine or will I have to settle for second best.

The Original FB is still around. Our relationship is still pretty much based on our Wednesday night visit, except I didn’t see him this week, but should be seeing him tonight…if I go out raving. He still has commitment issues which is cool with me at the moment but then I also have my needy moments and would like to know that I don’t have to wait a whole week to see him.

Pretty Man is still on the scene. I do really like him but I have handled the situation all wrong as I for want of a phrase “freed up” too soon. I couldn’t help it as I fancy the pants off him and I was overcome by the moment. This was done without having a conversation to establish what we both wanted, but as per usual it seems that it will never get beyond the booty call. I am still trying to go out on our first date.

I have also been on a date with a guy I will call Toy Boy.  Will see how that progresses.  Can’t be any worse than Peter who has claimed that he misses me… or my skills.

I will finish as I started, all I really want is to be happy.

“What’s the freakiest thing you’ve ever done?”

One of the most loaded questions a guy can ask me.  I have often wondered what they really want to hear.  In addition, what is the definition of a freak.

My usual response is what you may consider freaky may actually be normal to others,  as I try to skirt around the issue.

Were I to respond by saying that I had participated in a number of threesomes.  Alternatively I could say that I had done it with the lights on.  Would either satisfy their curiosity or have them running scared?  During all the years of being active, this is a question I have raised many times with my inner consciousness.  I have walked the tightrope of trying to be as honest as I can be about myself without scaring a prospective partner off.  I’ve also attempted to turn the tables on the questioner to gauge a better understanding of where they are.  Time after time I am left with the response:

“don’t answer a question with a question”

Now this response is a cop out by the original questioner.

It has led me to ask myself why I’ve done certain things and have come to the conclusion that it is all  down to the sizzle factor you have with an individual as well as how much you may trust them.  In addition, it also depends on whether you want to settle down with the guy in question or just kick it for fun.

I would say to any guy though…don’t ask the question if you can’t answer it yourself.